"God, I don't know"

We've been back for a week. And I feel....I don't know.

My prayer life lately has mostly consisted of "God, I don't know." The beautiful thing is that that's ok. One of the greatest treasures I've collected from my Mission Year so far is a deeper, more real relationship with God that does not depend upon spiritual highs. It's an honest relationship that doesn't go downhill when I feel drained or uncertain or simply unhappy. My prayer/communion with God does not have to be some crazy mystical experience. In this relationship I can express whatever I need to express. I can give Him my tears, thoughts, feelings, lack of words, sighs, groans, frustrations, and utter confusion.

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26). I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken. I want to be able to fix things. I want to make things right, to make things better. I want my friend to be able to speak English, to be able to get a job that will allow her to provide for her children, I want to know that she has food in her house...

I don't understand how I feel. Perhaps I'm beginning to understand the depth of God's compassion for people. Perhaps this is a glimpse into His heart...Whatever it is, it doesn't feel wrong to feel this way.

it's a new year - i feel that deserves a post

I always feel weird when a new year rolls around. I can't really explain the feeling...just...odd. It's as if something is missing; as if I feel that something big should happen or some insane change should take place. And maybe it does at times, and maybe it will. But it might not.

January 1st is just another day.

Maybe it's that I feel guilty. Like I haven't accomplished all that I should or could have. Maybe that's true. But I don't think God wants me, or anyone, to feel guilty. The need for that was eradicated that scandalous day when He demonstrated the craziest kind of sacrificial love for a world that certainly did nothing to deserve it. That makes me weep. And I want to serve Him so badly, to reflect even the smallest piece of His glory, to pour back to Him even a drop of the love He so graciously and generously lavishes on me.

"We know what true love looks like because of Jesus. He gave His life for us, and He calls us to give our lives for our brothers and sisters. This is a portrait of true love. If a person owns the kinds of things we need to make it in the world but refuses to share with those in need, is it even possible that God's love lives in Him? Once God's love takes hold of a person, it is impossible for him to close his heart to his brothers and sisters in God's family. My little children, don't just talk about love as an idea or theory. Make it your true way of life, and live in the pattern of gracious love." (1 John 3:16-18, The Voice).

That's how I want to live. I want to live like Jesus. I talk about love a lot, and I write about love, and I think and dream about love. I want to live love.

I think what I'm missing is the fresh feeling. Isn't the start of a new year supposed to feel fresh? It's a new beginning, a chance to try again, because we inevitably fail. But really, each day is a fresh start. The third chapter of Lamentations says that God's compassions never fail and they are new every morning. That's crazy! It also says that it's because of God's insane love for us that we are not consumed. Yeah, baby. Psalm 3:5 says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Each morning that I wake up, it's because God has given me another day. That means that each day that I'm alive has a purpose. That means that I should be LIVING. If only I could think that way every morning. God gave me this day, He kept me alive, He allowed me to wake up this morning. That rocks.

I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions. I'm just going to live. I'm just going to commit this year to the lover of my soul, my Lord that I've fallen so deeply in love with. I'm just going to continue to follow Him. Undoubtedly I will fail. When that happens, I'll just get back up again knowing that God's love is HUGE.

Welcome, 2010.

prepare for some rambling...

Sometimes I have deep thoughts. Thoughts so profound that I can't help but think how awesome I am and how I should become a writer and share my thoughts with the world. Thoughts so great I repeat them over and over in my head and marvel at my cleverness. But then I forget them. There's a book full of wonderful thoughts somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, if only I could find them.

So I decided to sit down and just type things as they come to me. Honestly, it kind of scares me. That doesn't make any sense, though, because I can just delete whatever doesn't sound clever. Because that's what it's all about, right? Cleverness, image, making sure other people see me the way I want them to see me. I know in my head that that is not at all what life is about, but somehow what's in my head doesn't always make it to my heart, or the nerves that control my limbs and my actions.

We all have our insecurities. We all have our flaws. And we all know that we all have our insecurities and our flaws. But we still try to appear flawless and confident. We walk with our heads held high and we talk as if we have it all together....but we don't. And we know it. If we could only show it...there's strength in transparency. We're meant to help each other. We're made to help each other. We're not made to face things alone. Relationship. Love.

It always comes down to love.

Love.

I'm learning lots of things through Mission Year. And it's good to be at home on break and to have time to reflect. It's weird to be home, though. It's weird to be away from Houston. It's weird to be back in the house where I was this summer, anticipating Mission Year, dreaming about what things would be like, feeling restless. Now I've experienced it - and it's changed me. My perspective has changed. Things I once only felt in my heart or thought in my head are things I now have lived and am learning to live more fully.

I'm learning the importance of opening myself each day to God.

I'm learning that it's pointless to have my own agenda.

I'm learning how terribly flawed and worthless I am.

I'm learning how abundantly loved and priceless I am.

I'm learning how crazy Jesus is.

I'm learning how crazy in love I am with Jesus.

I'm learning to love.

I'm learning to live.

I'm learning to live love.

I love you all. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

glimpses and blurbs...

I don't have the time or the mental capacity at the moment to put together a well-written piece of bloggage. So I'm just going to copy some things from my journal to give you some glimpses of and blurbs about my thoughts and experiences recently...

About a week ago our team went to see Donald Miller speak in Pasadena. He spoke about stories and life and living a compelling story. A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. We are all characters. Unique characters. And we all want something. The fact is, however, that a lot of times what we want isn't worthwhile - it isn't something an audience would clap for. The "secret ingredient" to living a compelling story is to want something meaningful. Not a car or money or chocolate cake (well...maybe the cake), but rather to live like Jesus - to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, heal the broken, love the unloved...no matter what we want, there will be conflict. The trick is to want something that makes the conflict worth it.

---

"This is a call to action, to make the world a better place in His holy name. Reach out and heal the broken, feed the hungry, clothe the poor. That's what love is for. It's not enough to testify with words. Reach out in love and the message will be heard." ~ Dutton Band

At Simple Feast on Sunday one of the men said to me, "We shouldn't have to tell people we're Christians - they should be able to tell by the way we live." True story. Let's live it out.

---

When I need encouragement, God bombards me with it. Through Leroy at our commissioning service and church, through Jenni during our one-on-one, through a homeless man I met at Simple Feast.

This man had a story that broke my heart: he was robbed, arrested, had a drinking problem, his sister died...but he said he should be able to get home soon because he'll be getting unemployment status and will receive money from that. He was blessed by my willingness to listen and I in turn was blessed by him. He said that he could see in my eyes that the Lord had blessed and called me and that there was a glow about me. It was so encouraging.

---

I love you all so much. Thank you for your continual prayers!

frustrations and blessings

I'm still unsure about my service site. Opportunities have definitely arisen - the possibility of helping my friend from East Africa learn English, volunteering with an after school program at Star of Hope, helping at Casa de Esperanza, helping a pastor near our neighborhood with a food drive...But I feel like if all of these things work out, I'm going to be spreading myself very thin rather than being able to really focus myself in one area and build strong relationships there. Please pray. Sometimes these things can overwhelm me and cause me to be blind to hope, but I need to keep things in perspective and fully trust God. He brought me here for a reason and He is sovereign.

There are a lot of good things going on as well that remind me of how rewarding this year is and will be. On Thursday night I accompanied Steven and David to a graduation ceremony at Open Door Mission, an organisation they're hoping to get involved with that helps men get their lives back on track. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was so blessed to hear the excitement of the men there as they shared how God is working in their lives and how they truly wish to change their situations. One man said to us, "It was no man who brought me out of the ditch, it was no man who took the cigarettes from my mouth, it was no man who took away my fleshly struggles - it was God." Amen.

Psalm 115:1

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to Your name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness."

I honestly feel like I'm not doing anything. It's all God. God places people in our paths - East African refugees, awesome neighbors, people on buses and in parks...God blesses us with food when we're broke and art supplies when we need them. I no longer believe in coincidences. Every good and perfect gift, every incredible encounter or experience...It's all God. He gets all the glory. And that's exactly how it should be.

Let me tell you one of these stories:

At the end of the third week of September our team was out of money for food. That Saturday we discussed it during our team meeting. That day Lupe, one of our amazing neighbors, made us a Mexican meal and brought it to our house. That Monday Andy, the cook from Ecclesia, gave us the leftover soup from that week. That Tuesday Steven's family cooked us a meal and brought it to us.

God provides.

thoughts about becoming a nun...

Yes, this thought actually did cross my mind (and stayed there for a while) this past week. Allow me to elaborate:

Friday night and Saturday morning our team went to an Episcopalian church to hear Chris Webb speak. I am now his biggest fan. Katy and I are going to start a fan club - t-shirts and everything. ;) He said a lot of things that I loved. The big thing was "following Jesus without reserve." He explored how people have tried to live that in the past, focusing on monastic traditions, and also challenged us to look at our own lives and see what is keeping us from following Christ completely. So I've been thinking about my life - what's holding me back? I crave comfort: nice things, people who think like me, ignorance of suffering and injustice...but God is calling me to live on the other end of the spectrum, in simplicity and devotion to justice.

I was so drawn to the monastic traditions and lifestyle that Chris spoke of that for a while I entertained the idea of becoming a nun. Yeah, no joke. The more I thought about it, however, I realised that I don't feel called to be a nun. What I'm drawn to is their lifestyle of simplicity, discipline, and devotion to living in obedience to God. But I don't think that I, personally, need to wear a habit in order to practice that kind of lifestyle. There's a movement today called "new monasticism." This movement draws from the lifestyle and traditions of monasticism, but fits it more to the 21st century. They live simply, many choose a life of celibacy, and they are devoted to living like Christ. This is the movement I long to be a part of.

An update on my service site: I'll basically be starting new this week. I'll still be helping out with the kids on Sundays, and my focus will still be on ministering to children, but I won't be working with the Children's Ministry at Ecclesia during the week. This week will probably consist of me contacting different organisations in the Montrose area (where Ecclesia is located) and trying to form connections with them and their children's ministries.