thoughts from the last week of january...

Warning: this post will most likely be filled with thoughts that are not well connected with each other.

One of my greatest struggles so far this Mission Year has been dealing with the fact that my life this year differs in many ways from the expectations I had. It's ironic, because I thought I didn't have many expectations - I didn't know what to expect. But they were there. I thought we would be living, working, and attending church all in the same neighborhood. I thought I would choose my service site. I thought I would be living with, at most, 5 others.

Instead, I live in one neighborhood and work and go to church in another (some of my teammates live in one neighborhood, work in another, and go to church in yet another). Service sites had already been picked out before we came to Houston and we were placed there. I live with 9 others.

I've been realising this year how stubborn I am. When things don't meet my expectations, I try to make them (but don't worry, I love my teammates - I haven't tried to get rid of any of them). Perhaps in some ways my dissatisfaction with certain aspects is valid, but this is where I am, and this is how things are, and God works all things for good.

My city director used a puzzle analogy with me. She talked about how each piece in a puzzle is different, but equally important. Some pieces are filled with colours and objects and excitement - and some are plain. Each piece alone is nothing, but together they make a beautiful picture. If any one piece is missing, there will be a gap, whether it be a plain piece or a colourful piece. The puzzle needs them all.

So instead of trying to hammer pieces in where they don't fit, or add in pieces from another puzzle, I need to accept and appreciate each piece for what it is and what it brings to the overall picture.

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On Tuesday Anton came from LaGrange and did a training with us. He was talking about immigration, but his point was applicable to all forms of oppression. He used the passage from Exodus about Moses and the burning bush. "The Lord said, 'I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them...'" (Exodus 3:7-8)

Anton focused on how God said that He 1) saw 2) heard 3) knew the suffering of His people and then rescued them.

1) See - see the injustice, the suffering. See the people waiting in line all day, bundling up against the biting winds, for a loaf of bread and some onions.

2) Hear - hear the cries of the oppressed. Hear the refugee mother's frustration at not speaking English and struggling to provide for her 5 children.

3) Know - be there with them. Walk beside them. Be in solidarity with them and their suffering.

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The Mission Year board was here on Friday. They came to our house for breakfast. We thought they would be arriving at 9:30, but it turned out to be 9:00. So when they came they found us in our living room doing our morning devotions - many of us still in our pajamas. It was classic. Pretty much like an ad for Mission Year. :D

So we rushed to get dressed and tidy up. Andy made pancakes for breakfast and we talked with the board members about our experiences so far. I was really thankful for the opportunity because it drove us to look at the big picture of our Mission Year to this point, describing the beauty, redemption, and ways we see God working. It was kind of a refocusing for me, a chance to bring things into perspective. We shared struggles as well, and what we've been learning and how we've been growing. It allowed me to see how things fit together, how each piece of this year is so important - like the puzzle.

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Love to all,

Sawah

...my burden is light...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~ Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)

This verse has been coming up a lot for me lately. I guess I really need to hear it. I've been feeling very burdened lately, but God has been reminding me that I don't need to.

Last week when I went to the refugee family's home, I asked the mother about food stamps. She told me she's getting them again and then she took me by the hand and led me to her pantry and then to her refrigerator, showing me the food that she has. I guess she could see how worried I was and wanted to reassure me. She has enough. God provides her with her daily bread.

Then there was the rainbow. In the middle of my "English lesson" with her, the sun was shining through the window in such a way as to project a rainbow onto the wall. It was a beautiful moment as all of us - myself, my teammates, the mother and her children - all stopped what we were doing to look at the colors. God's promise. God's presence. God is so good.

So we do what we can, and remember that we're only human. God is great, and compassionate, and loving, and almighty.

He's got things covered. ;)

...on realising i can't be God...

Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon myself and one or two of my teammates go to the home of a refugee family. On Thursdays we take them some food that we get from helping a local church with a feeding ministry. A couple of weeks ago when we went we only had with us a few bananas, some potatoes, and a loaf of bread. When we gave it to them the mother said that she was so thankful because she was very hungry and they had no food left in the house. They literally had nothing besides what we brought to them. I almost cried right then in their living room. We brought them to our house for dinner that night and afterwards gave them all our leftovers. The next week we again took them food. I glanced in their refrigerator as they were putting it away and saw that all they had was a gallon of milk and a few onions.

My heart breaks for them.

The mother told me she has no more food stamps. I thought certainly I must have misunderstood her. Maybe she meant she was out of money for the month? But it was the beginning of January. It couldn't be that her family doesn't qualify for food stamps. In the past she had had to sell her food stamps in order to have money to pay her rent. But she has a job now and shouldn't have to do that. I mentioned this to some of my teammates and one of them did some research on the food stamp system in Houston. He found that it is terrible. I don't completely understand it but I know that it is not adequate to provide for everyone who needs it. People end up falling through the cracks while others understand and abuse the system. It isn't right. It's an injustice. And it makes me angry. This mother and her five children go hungry while others abuse the system and end up having more than they need.

I want to fix it. I want to make it right. Unfortunately, I cannot be God.

Fortunately, God is bigger than I am. God's love is deeper than I can fathom. God's grace flows freely. God holds us in the palm of His hand. God provides for His children.

I once read that ministry is often more about the one ministering than those to whom they are ministering. I've come to believe this is true. I think that Mission Year is more about God changing and transforming me than it is about me doing good things and serving others. Let me explain. God does not need me. If I had not taken food to the refugee family that Thursday, I am confident that God would have provided them with the food they needed in some other way. God cares about them more than I do. God did not need me to do Mission Year, I needed to do Mission Year. I needed to be in this place where I can allow God to change my perspective, to soften my heart, to smooth some of my rough areas, to transform me more into the person He created me to be, to draw me closer to Him.

Everything always comes down to our relationship with God and others. What He wants is for us to love Him and to allow Him to love us, to understand that He accepts us and to accept ourselves. What we do is the overflow of our relationship with Him.

Does any of this make sense? Maybe not. God doesn't make sense. I don't understand Him or His ways. That is why I can worship Him and that is why I am deeply in love with Him and want to go deeper and deeper.

Please keep the family I mentioned in your prayers. They are constantly on my mind and on my heart.

"God, I don't know"

We've been back for a week. And I feel....I don't know.

My prayer life lately has mostly consisted of "God, I don't know." The beautiful thing is that that's ok. One of the greatest treasures I've collected from my Mission Year so far is a deeper, more real relationship with God that does not depend upon spiritual highs. It's an honest relationship that doesn't go downhill when I feel drained or uncertain or simply unhappy. My prayer/communion with God does not have to be some crazy mystical experience. In this relationship I can express whatever I need to express. I can give Him my tears, thoughts, feelings, lack of words, sighs, groans, frustrations, and utter confusion.

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26). I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken. I want to be able to fix things. I want to make things right, to make things better. I want my friend to be able to speak English, to be able to get a job that will allow her to provide for her children, I want to know that she has food in her house...

I don't understand how I feel. Perhaps I'm beginning to understand the depth of God's compassion for people. Perhaps this is a glimpse into His heart...Whatever it is, it doesn't feel wrong to feel this way.

it's a new year - i feel that deserves a post

I always feel weird when a new year rolls around. I can't really explain the feeling...just...odd. It's as if something is missing; as if I feel that something big should happen or some insane change should take place. And maybe it does at times, and maybe it will. But it might not.

January 1st is just another day.

Maybe it's that I feel guilty. Like I haven't accomplished all that I should or could have. Maybe that's true. But I don't think God wants me, or anyone, to feel guilty. The need for that was eradicated that scandalous day when He demonstrated the craziest kind of sacrificial love for a world that certainly did nothing to deserve it. That makes me weep. And I want to serve Him so badly, to reflect even the smallest piece of His glory, to pour back to Him even a drop of the love He so graciously and generously lavishes on me.

"We know what true love looks like because of Jesus. He gave His life for us, and He calls us to give our lives for our brothers and sisters. This is a portrait of true love. If a person owns the kinds of things we need to make it in the world but refuses to share with those in need, is it even possible that God's love lives in Him? Once God's love takes hold of a person, it is impossible for him to close his heart to his brothers and sisters in God's family. My little children, don't just talk about love as an idea or theory. Make it your true way of life, and live in the pattern of gracious love." (1 John 3:16-18, The Voice).

That's how I want to live. I want to live like Jesus. I talk about love a lot, and I write about love, and I think and dream about love. I want to live love.

I think what I'm missing is the fresh feeling. Isn't the start of a new year supposed to feel fresh? It's a new beginning, a chance to try again, because we inevitably fail. But really, each day is a fresh start. The third chapter of Lamentations says that God's compassions never fail and they are new every morning. That's crazy! It also says that it's because of God's insane love for us that we are not consumed. Yeah, baby. Psalm 3:5 says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Each morning that I wake up, it's because God has given me another day. That means that each day that I'm alive has a purpose. That means that I should be LIVING. If only I could think that way every morning. God gave me this day, He kept me alive, He allowed me to wake up this morning. That rocks.

I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions. I'm just going to live. I'm just going to commit this year to the lover of my soul, my Lord that I've fallen so deeply in love with. I'm just going to continue to follow Him. Undoubtedly I will fail. When that happens, I'll just get back up again knowing that God's love is HUGE.

Welcome, 2010.

prepare for some rambling...

Sometimes I have deep thoughts. Thoughts so profound that I can't help but think how awesome I am and how I should become a writer and share my thoughts with the world. Thoughts so great I repeat them over and over in my head and marvel at my cleverness. But then I forget them. There's a book full of wonderful thoughts somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, if only I could find them.

So I decided to sit down and just type things as they come to me. Honestly, it kind of scares me. That doesn't make any sense, though, because I can just delete whatever doesn't sound clever. Because that's what it's all about, right? Cleverness, image, making sure other people see me the way I want them to see me. I know in my head that that is not at all what life is about, but somehow what's in my head doesn't always make it to my heart, or the nerves that control my limbs and my actions.

We all have our insecurities. We all have our flaws. And we all know that we all have our insecurities and our flaws. But we still try to appear flawless and confident. We walk with our heads held high and we talk as if we have it all together....but we don't. And we know it. If we could only show it...there's strength in transparency. We're meant to help each other. We're made to help each other. We're not made to face things alone. Relationship. Love.

It always comes down to love.

Love.

I'm learning lots of things through Mission Year. And it's good to be at home on break and to have time to reflect. It's weird to be home, though. It's weird to be away from Houston. It's weird to be back in the house where I was this summer, anticipating Mission Year, dreaming about what things would be like, feeling restless. Now I've experienced it - and it's changed me. My perspective has changed. Things I once only felt in my heart or thought in my head are things I now have lived and am learning to live more fully.

I'm learning the importance of opening myself each day to God.

I'm learning that it's pointless to have my own agenda.

I'm learning how terribly flawed and worthless I am.

I'm learning how abundantly loved and priceless I am.

I'm learning how crazy Jesus is.

I'm learning how crazy in love I am with Jesus.

I'm learning to love.

I'm learning to live.

I'm learning to live love.

I love you all. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

glimpses and blurbs...

I don't have the time or the mental capacity at the moment to put together a well-written piece of bloggage. So I'm just going to copy some things from my journal to give you some glimpses of and blurbs about my thoughts and experiences recently...

About a week ago our team went to see Donald Miller speak in Pasadena. He spoke about stories and life and living a compelling story. A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. We are all characters. Unique characters. And we all want something. The fact is, however, that a lot of times what we want isn't worthwhile - it isn't something an audience would clap for. The "secret ingredient" to living a compelling story is to want something meaningful. Not a car or money or chocolate cake (well...maybe the cake), but rather to live like Jesus - to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, heal the broken, love the unloved...no matter what we want, there will be conflict. The trick is to want something that makes the conflict worth it.

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"This is a call to action, to make the world a better place in His holy name. Reach out and heal the broken, feed the hungry, clothe the poor. That's what love is for. It's not enough to testify with words. Reach out in love and the message will be heard." ~ Dutton Band

At Simple Feast on Sunday one of the men said to me, "We shouldn't have to tell people we're Christians - they should be able to tell by the way we live." True story. Let's live it out.

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When I need encouragement, God bombards me with it. Through Leroy at our commissioning service and church, through Jenni during our one-on-one, through a homeless man I met at Simple Feast.

This man had a story that broke my heart: he was robbed, arrested, had a drinking problem, his sister died...but he said he should be able to get home soon because he'll be getting unemployment status and will receive money from that. He was blessed by my willingness to listen and I in turn was blessed by him. He said that he could see in my eyes that the Lord had blessed and called me and that there was a glow about me. It was so encouraging.

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I love you all so much. Thank you for your continual prayers!