Thursday, December 31, 2009

it's a new year - i feel that deserves a post

I always feel weird when a new year rolls around. I can't really explain the feeling...just...odd. It's as if something is missing; as if I feel that something big should happen or some insane change should take place. And maybe it does at times, and maybe it will. But it might not.

January 1st is just another day.

Maybe it's that I feel guilty. Like I haven't accomplished all that I should or could have. Maybe that's true. But I don't think God wants me, or anyone, to feel guilty. The need for that was eradicated that scandalous day when He demonstrated the craziest kind of sacrificial love for a world that certainly did nothing to deserve it. That makes me weep. And I want to serve Him so badly, to reflect even the smallest piece of His glory, to pour back to Him even a drop of the love He so graciously and generously lavishes on me.

"We know what true love looks like because of Jesus. He gave His life for us, and He calls us to give our lives for our brothers and sisters. This is a portrait of true love. If a person owns the kinds of things we need to make it in the world but refuses to share with those in need, is it even possible that God's love lives in Him? Once God's love takes hold of a person, it is impossible for him to close his heart to his brothers and sisters in God's family. My little children, don't just talk about love as an idea or theory. Make it your true way of life, and live in the pattern of gracious love." (1 John 3:16-18, The Voice).
That's how I want to live. I want to live like Jesus. I talk about love a lot, and I write about love, and I think and dream about love. I want to live love.

I think what I'm missing is the fresh feeling. Isn't the start of a new year supposed to feel fresh? It's a new beginning, a chance to try again, because we inevitably fail. But really, each day is a fresh start. The third chapter of Lamentations says that God's compassions never fail and they are new every morning. That's crazy! It also says that it's because of God's insane love for us that we are not consumed. Yeah, baby. Psalm 3:5 says, "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Each morning that I wake up, it's because God has given me another day. That means that each day that I'm alive has a purpose. That means that I should be LIVING. If only I could think that way every morning. God gave me this day, He kept me alive, He allowed me to wake up this morning. That rocks.

I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions. I'm just going to live. I'm just going to commit this year to the lover of my soul, my Lord that I've fallen so deeply in love with. I'm just going to continue to follow Him. Undoubtedly I will fail. When that happens, I'll just get back up again knowing that God's love is HUGE.

Welcome, 2010.

Monday, December 21, 2009

prepare for some rambling...

Sometimes I have deep thoughts. Thoughts so profound that I can't help but think how awesome I am and how I should become a writer and share my thoughts with the world. Thoughts so great I repeat them over and over in my head and marvel at my cleverness. But then I forget them. There's a book full of wonderful thoughts somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, if only I could find them.
So I decided to sit down and just type things as they come to me. Honestly, it kind of scares me. That doesn't make any sense, though, because I can just delete whatever doesn't sound clever. Because that's what it's all about, right? Cleverness, image, making sure other people see me the way I want them to see me. I know in my head that that is not at all what life is about, but somehow what's in my head doesn't always make it to my heart, or the nerves that control my limbs and my actions.
We all have our insecurities. We all have our flaws. And we all know that we all have our insecurities and our flaws. But we still try to appear flawless and confident. We walk with our heads held high and we talk as if we have it all together....but we don't. And we know it. If we could only show it...there's strength in transparency. We're meant to help each other. We're made to help each other. We're not made to face things alone. Relationship. Love.

It always comes down to love.


I'm learning lots of things through Mission Year. And it's good to be at home on break and to have time to reflect. It's weird to be home, though. It's weird to be away from Houston. It's weird to be back in the house where I was this summer, anticipating Mission Year, dreaming about what things would be like, feeling restless. Now I've experienced it - and it's changed me. My perspective has changed. Things I once only felt in my heart or thought in my head are things I now have lived and am learning to live more fully.
I'm learning the importance of opening myself each day to God.
I'm learning that it's pointless to have my own agenda.
I'm learning how terribly flawed and worthless I am.
I'm learning how abundantly loved and priceless I am.
I'm learning how crazy Jesus is.
I'm learning how crazy in love I am with Jesus.
I'm learning to love.
I'm learning to live.
I'm learning to live love.

I love you all. Thanks for reading my ramblings.